In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I am all good here, 😂😉
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??