@BoothysTweets

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

*pulls away from kissing*

Does this mean no ticket or several tickets, officer?

@johnfreiler

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

@NervousJr

Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?

That’s cool.

Here, hold this grenade.

@FrazzleMyGimp

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

@BoogTweets

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

@skickwriter

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

@1par8head

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…