[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

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#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay


Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.


me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does


making better choices in 2020:
-everyone expects it

making worse choices in 2020:
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say


HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*


One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.


Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’


me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that


I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably