@myonlymizztake Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
@BoothysTweets [in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
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@myonlymizztake 
@HenpeckedHal caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
@robin_991 Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
@slimmy_shady If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
@joeygllghr Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
@KattsDogma *leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
@Mr_Kapowski Me: Time for bed
Brain: Ok
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH’S TECTONIC PLATES WON’T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!
@karanbirtinna Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
@juliussharpe You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.
@juliussharpe I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.