Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@merylnyc

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

@AndrewChamings

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

@Browtweaten

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

@randypaint

making better choices in 2020:
-hard
-impressive
-everyone expects it

making worse choices in 2020:
-easier
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@birbigs

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

@tsm560

The only thing I arouse is suspicion.

@mack44_d

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

@coolauntV

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

@Weezie76

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably