*pulls away from kissing*
Does this mean no ticket or several tickets, officer?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
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my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?
Here, hold this grenade.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
God: You know *hip thrusts*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
roman pirates be like 10 marks the spot
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…