In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
life finds a way
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
What my back needs
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”