In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.