We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
I moved the damn towel.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a “God PLEASE bless America”, maybe you’d have better luck. #manners
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, “I’m so sorry, but I just remembered I don’t want to”