In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
me, too, girl. me, too.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
These are my roll models.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.