@Shock_Monster

In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

@Ristolable

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

@liv_thatsme

*babysitting*

Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?

@xLiserx

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

@BleakBaron

Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm

@invalaid

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

@SoVeryBritish

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

@Carmel_Coleman

Your car won’t start? Have you tried getting out of it and then getting back into it again? That usually works for my computer.