Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
What a website
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Noah
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
What is going on? 😅
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*