At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
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Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
A choir of Spring onions
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.