Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
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ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
These 3D printers are insane!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing