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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.