[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
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I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.