Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.