Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?
No? …Oh, you want another beer.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
– You always have to have the last word.
– THAT IS A LIE!
– OK, I’m sorry.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 15 minutes over time.
*sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived