@nbadag

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

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@AdviceFromDino

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

@UncleBob56

What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?

No? …Oh, you want another beer.

@Reverend_Scott

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

@caliluvgirl77

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

@In_Twittaland

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

@SamuelHLowe

– You always have to have the last word.
– THAT IS A LIE!
– OK, I’m sorry.
– Spatula.

@mattgallo123

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

@lisaxy424

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

@AbbyHasIssues

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 15 minutes over time.

@InternetHippo

*sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived