[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Customer is always right
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Lube but for my dry humor.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear