[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?


Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant


Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.


Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”


[stops during sex]

If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.


[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me


*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack