*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours
I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.