@mrtruthandsoul

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

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@junejuly12

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@mortimermaiden

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

@SvnSxty

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

@clusterBtraits

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@notjustblondee

“Previously on-”

First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours

@Eric_Bader

I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.

@TheDairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.