[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
This has made my week.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”