Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I don’t make the rules sorry
[stops during sex]
If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack