[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.