In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature

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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.


The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.


*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule


Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once


“i said make him fetch”
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet


“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
I’m bagnostic


drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”


[guy behind me observes my groceries]

– frozen meals
– fruits
– vegetables
– small carton of eggs
– half carton of milk

Guy: you must be single

Me: haha, how did you know?

Guy: you’re ugly.


[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]