If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature
You Might Also Like
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
“i said make him fetch”
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[guy behind me observes my groceries]
– frozen meals
– small carton of eggs
– half carton of milk
Guy: you must be single
Me: haha, how did you know?
Guy: you’re ugly.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]