Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
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BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context