In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?