In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
You Might Also Like
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out