@NotGoodEthan

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

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@CatherineIsaac_

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

@LuvPug

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

@broodingYAhero

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

@TheAlexNevil

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

@kjmeow

I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese

@me_all_over

Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.

@DanMentos

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

@alisonforns

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

@Cpin42

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters