My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
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The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.