Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
You Might Also Like
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I’m awake but I object,
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.