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@KKAlThani

I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like “Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?” & we stay up talking about it.

@Mardigroan

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

@AtticusFinch79

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

@MavenofHonor

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

@CheryeDavis

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

@FeelingMervis

Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.

@TheDairylandDon

A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.