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@tastefactory

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@ObscureGent

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

@roostermustache

Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns

Clown: nah we just want to scare people

Me: oh. can u make an exception for me

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

@VioricaMarian1

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.

@FU_TangClan

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME