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I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like “Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?” & we stay up talking about it.


I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.


I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it


Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho


ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.


If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.


Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.


A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.