In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
just witnessed a drug deal
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
A ghost story
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck