In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
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There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
dutch is not a serious language
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.