@sophielou

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

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@InternetHippo

*turns on the news*

I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–

tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

@bingowings14

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

@Rollinintheseat

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

@1Bad_Scientist

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

@LostInAisle3

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood splatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

@primawesome

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

@notfaizzy

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

@TheHyyyype

ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away