Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh