In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
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Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Saturday
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did