In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
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Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.