[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Unimpressed
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
If only
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.