In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
who called it hell and not heaven’t
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird