In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
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If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
best review i’ve ever seen
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Monday Lisa
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.