A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes…
My dogs don’t even own bikes..
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she’s ready.
My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but… It’s not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM