@shutupmikeginn

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

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@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

@YourTextSpoken

Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst

@JulieSnark

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

@AndLookPretty

Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair.

Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.

@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

@1halfof2

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.

@DangOlWill

*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars