“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media