If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
*including zombie apocalypse
*A van falls into a river*
(Duration: 148 minutes)
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*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.
Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-
Me: *smiling* Absolutely not
Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.
Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real zombies.
When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.