@OrdinaryAlso

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

@imence2

Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”

@MooseAllain

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

@Mikecanrant

I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

@DaddyJew

I like to tell people my English is bad so they think I’m a foreigner when in reality I’m really just stupid

@roostermustache

Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a

@Chelle_Coops

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.