Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother


Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”


In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.


I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.


Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds


I like to tell people my English is bad so they think I’m a foreigner when in reality I’m really just stupid


Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a


Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.