(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Um … Hot Wings please
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
i hope my email finds you on fire
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things