Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Noted.
We’ve come full circle
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.