Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.