*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
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Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Something Saturday.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?