*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
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Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context