Happy April Fools!!!


Happy April, Fools!!!

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*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!


I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.


Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?


“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”


Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left


[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.


WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.


I don’t see any former child prodigies/spelling bee champions solving any of the world’s problems. Thanks for nothing, you little burn-outs.


“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy


ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.