[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.
I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.
Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?
Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.