@antifatwa

Incredible customer service.

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@EndhooS

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

@bingowings14

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

@JervanF

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

@bush_piglet

Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.

@markleggett

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.

@JCWisdomNuggets

I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.

@SlothSlouch

Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.

@lipstck_junkie

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.