@antifatwa

Incredible customer service.

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@JodingersCat

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

@DiamondLou69

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

@ingmarbirdman

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards

@mommy_cusses

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

@MattKrahe

A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.

@Scdavis24

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

@scant_alpaca

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

@Cheeseboy22

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”