people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM