Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.