independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Just a friendly reminder!
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
How to find Kentucky on a map
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.