independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

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Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue


There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.


Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away.


Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”


[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*


I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.


Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.


Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.


My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice