@electrolemon

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

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@TheToddWilliams

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

@Gupton68

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

@anniemalistics

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away.

@ddsmidt

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

@Skoogeth

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

@Rollinintheseat

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

@LittleLostLad

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

@wendchymes

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice