independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.