[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—


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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.


[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.


If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.


Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.


Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.


Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”


My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.


In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.


Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.