@TheToddWilliams

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

@LosLos__

[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

@DaddyJew

Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.

@justokpanda

Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.

@Reverend_Scott

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

@sofarrsogud

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

@imence2

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

@UnFitz

Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.