India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
You Might Also Like
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.