@kelkulus

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

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@schumoo

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

@KentWGraham

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

@RickAaron

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

@dannyboy7813

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

@DrakeGatsby

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

@Ygrene

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

@KingsnorthAP

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@Parkerlawyer

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

@JohnHilsen

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

@I_am_carbs

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork