India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.


FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.


If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.


First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.


It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy


[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)


Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic


My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”


The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.


[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork