Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
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Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
me after drinking all the wine:
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.