@daryl_licked

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

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@xLiserx

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

@bigmacher

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

@ElleOhHell

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

@WhitfordBradley

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

@DurtMcHurtt

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

@pbear79

Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?

Me: You mean…other than wifi?

@JohnASinclair

I’m gonna have a secret lair that consists of toilets and sinks. It’ll be called “John Sinclair’s john and sink lair”

@FunnyBison

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

@iwearaonesie

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*