Sorry I yelled ‘killin’ it’ when your mom was eating that banana
*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.
*brought to you by Bounty*