“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
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[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
The best plant holders?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.