@BatmanOffDuty

*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?

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@Book_Krazy

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

@hannalee_slc

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

@FuckabillyRex

I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.

@sixfootcandy

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

@leslid79

I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.

@Adam__Melia

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

@internetluke

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

@MikeCanRant

You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

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