@BatmanOffDuty

*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?

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@AnOrangeSNES

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

@sucittaM

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

@JannaKilimnik

People coming over.
Me: *tidies up*
Husband: *fires up the bbq*
Toddler: *removes all clothing*

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@suzieQ0007

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

@kellysdf

According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

@SufficientCharm

6am: Too tired

8am: This isn’t so bad

1pm: OMG so tired

5pm: zombie

8pm: Dead

10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS