*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?

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I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.

It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.


I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole..


I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.


“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.


I’m always just a bit disappointed when a liars pants don’t actually catch on fire.


HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ




ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.


?”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour


You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!



Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!